Welcome To Madness.... Population: Me
Monday, September 10, 2007
12:16PM - Short and Long Term Goals
Its been so long since I've written and I thought I for a few dark moments I would leave LJ. But, I've been brought back after a long summer of seeing old friends, making new friends, trying not to strangle customers and working. So, since this new school year has started out crowded, frustrating and lonely. I've decided to make a list of a few short and long terms for the next few years.
~Learn how to play the drums and piano.
~Learn to read, write and speak Korean and practice Spanish.
~Get into shape with exercise and weight lifting.
~Learn any of the Martial Arts: Jiu-jitsu, Judo, Tae Kwon Doe, Kendo, Hapkido etc.
~Get more sleep, drink less coffee.
~Get good grades this semester and raise my GPA.
~Transfer to a 4 year University.
~Send in my application to ISU.
~Join clubs and make more friends.
~Inquire into/Look for a new job.
~Go to Harper's Health and Psychological Services (room/building)
~Keep in touch with long distance friends through e-mail.
~Trim down my book reading list and concentrate on school.
....just a few things I jotted down during my Humantites class. I will definitely try to update someday, sometime.
..at least I'm sorta alive...though I've grown more apathetic to everything around me. Yay!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
12:15PM - NES love (Past Blast)
I was flipping through the April Newtype magazine and I came across a two page fold of a game coming out on PS3. I flipped past it before but the second time around I stopped and stared at the title for two seconds before it clicked. The title of the game was Ninja Gaiden. I stopped staring and started laughing hysterically because I remembered a long long time ago when I was in Alabama. The long afternoons of sitting in front of the tv playing Nintendo.
I searched through good ole Wiki and found a list of NES games. I started getting all these geeky thoughts about the past games I've played....
For anyone who's played NES do you remember...
The orginial three-in-one Super Mario Brothers/Duck Hunt (with the awesome gun and the stupid laughing dog)/World Class Track Meet?
The Legend of Zelda?
Mike Tyson's Punch Out (with the Mario referee)?
Skate or Die 2?
Spiderman: Return of the Sinister Six?
Super Mario Brothers 2 & 3?
Tecmo Bowl and Super Tecmo Bowl?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game?
Tiny Toon Adventures?
Oh man those were a few of my favorites.
Maybe I should give a real update later...maybe after I finish looking at this list.....
Yay Ninja Gaiden!!!
Monday, January 29, 2007
I understand that making a mistake is a big deal, a huge deal even. But, how do you expect me to learn when all you do is I make a mistake you swoop down on me and scold me in front of customers and then expect me to go on with the rest of the day? I had my second day of work yesterday working from 10:15-7:15. It was the worst day that I have ever worked. I made the first mistake in the morning with a customers orders. The day went downhill from there.
I work at Mitsuwa as a cashier for one of the food stands in the food court. I take down and ring up orders and then I call out numbers when the food is ready. Seems simple enough. I made my first mistake with a customers order and my boss found me and told me about it while I was on my break. I knew the day wasn't going to get any better after that and I was right. I kept making mistakes left and right, with peoples order and the register.
My boss would find out, scold me in front of customers and then push me aside as if I didn't know anything and corrected my mistake. Afterward, she would "talk" to me about what I did wrong. This was going on all day. I could handle the pressure, the lunch rush and everything else. What I couldn't handle was my boss condescending scoldings to me. What was worst was the look she would give me after I made a mistake. She gave me a look you would give a child when they crayoned the white wall, or if they knocked apple juice all over the kitchen floor.
I felt like such an idiot, a child and my low self esteem wasn't helping either. This happened all day. I was getting so frustrated that I was *this* close to tears after another scolding and look. She was treating me like a child and I'm not a child. Didn't she know that I was trying?
How am I supposed to learn from example when she would swoop down on me after I made a mistake, and push me aside from the register and then tell me to do other things when I am supposed to be learning from the registers? How am I supposed to learn if this happens ALL FUCKING DAY. I couldn't help comparing it to Borders. At least at Borders if I made a mistake they would gently correct me and tell me that its okay and I was still learning. At least with Borders I was able to correct my mistakes, learn from them and be able to learn on the registers.
I actually found myself freezing up whenever my boss was around. I actually did better on the registers when she was in the back and I was with a co-worker. It is not a good thing that I am so afraid of making mistakes in front of her that I continually mess up so she can scold me and give me that look. My self-esteem was so low by the end of the day that I was telling myself I was fucking up, that I sucked at this, at the same time telling me that it was only my second day.
I don't know what to do. I need this job and the money but I keep going on like this then I am afraid I am going to snap at my boss one day.
I stopped listening to her by the end of the day. She kept yelling at me to listen to her but how can I learn from her example if she is not even setting a good example for me to learn?
So, this leaves me with this one question: What should I do?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
9:40AM - The Audacity of Hope
"I am reading Barack Obama's new book. I borrowed it from the Borders (yay for the Book Loan program!) and I'm thinking of buying it now. The first chapter he talks about Republicans and Democrats. The problems with each party.
I just thought that what he said at the end of the first chapter was so compelling that I went back and re-read it to try to understand the full meaning.
Its sorta long but, its compelling and hard to explain....so read on! (if you wish)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I went to my second interview with Borders today. Yes, Borders called me, I was in shock too.
I GOT THE FREAKIN JOB!!!! :D
You are now looking at a Seller for Borders in Mt Prospect. for $7.00 an hour.
Though I don't think I would have the job with Jordan's mom, Ms. Prager's awesome recommendation. I love Ms. Prager : )
Otherwise, life is hectic. One midterm, two tests, and a book report due Monday (worth 10% of my grade) awaits me next week. Wish me luck.
Who knew the month of October would be so busy?
-October 20th: Going downtown with my friend Patrick. He is running in the marathon and I am going downtown, to keep him sane and pick up his stuffs.
October 22th: Mr. Prager is holding Tubapalooza at Hersey to help raise money for Katrina victims. I volunteered to help usher.
My school books are calling me..must study....
But I leave you with something that my friend Sarah e-mailed to me today. It is called Food For Thought. Its so true of life today and people. Read it if you wish...
Monday, September 25, 2006
The person I am ranting at doesn't have lj. I am just ranting cause I need to get this out of my head.
This rant is directed to one person only. If you don't want to read a rant then click away from the angry entry... So..onward!
You are being a complete bitch.
A immature backstabber and a hypocrite.
You are purposely provoking Jordan and I and for what ends? Your own stupid childish revenge?
You need to fucking grow up. You can do your stupid childish games and your stupid *cough* with your friends walking away laughing but I'm not going to do anything about it or you.
I loathe everything about you and what you've become. I loathe the decisions you made, who you hold yourself up to be and your selfish attitude.
The only reason I haven't striked out at you is not because I am afraid of you. It is because I am not going to stoop to your childish "Cindy" level.
You can keep acting like this for all I care.
You are nothing but a child to me now.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I nearly died today.
I was driving to pick up Jordan and right before I hit the train tracks, I go into this weird kinda trance.
Well, I completely missed the red light..barreled right through it, with cars honking their horns and woke up after I heard the cars honking at me.
I don't know if I should be grateful, relieved or shocked.
But I know I am definitely glad to be alive.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Thankie Susan! :)
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Lately, I've been buried in books. Right now I just got out of Spanish...and I really wanted to bang my head repeatedly, pop some pills and keep moving.
Lately I've been thinking of Journalism is really what I want to do. I am going to my Intro to Journalism class and the more I learn, the more I am starting to hate it. Its hard to explain when I love writing so much. My teacher is pretty nice but maybe I am just discouraged or something.
I realized that I want to do more Humanitarian work then write about the news. But, then again in another way writing the news is helping people learn about the world and what is going on. Maybe what I want to do is more hands on.
Lately, I've been reading more and more about what is going on...rape, mass killing, looting, 50,000 to 80,000 dead and I want to do something.
The question about me going to Darfur and what is probably going to hold me back for the time being is this: How can I go to out of the country and help people when I need to sort out what's going on in my personal life?
Oh and I am so sick of Harper. GMOOH for the love of all that is holy. Good grief.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
What's going on? Why do I have to wake up? and Where am I?
"You ask too many questions."
But isn't it good that I ask questions?
"Not in this case stupid. Now shut up and listen to me for a minute. You are going to snap out of this way of thinking. You are going to stop being everything you are now."
What does that mean?
"You really are stupid."
"What I mean is this: You are going to stop being so shy. Actually talk to people instead of hiding behind a book and ignoring the world around you."
But..what if I want to hide behind my book?
"Listen to me: You can't hid behind a book forever. You say you want to be a Journalist right? You have ever since you convinced yourself you can write something."
Ever since highschool I've always wanted to write on the school paper. But, I watched from the wall as the opportunity to be involved passed me by. I always tried to write something on paper but I would pick up a pen and put in to the paper and nothing would come out. I would stare at the white paper and imagine that it was a vast white monster that was eating me up from the inside.
"So you can be deep"
I can be deep. I know I can.
Why are you so critical and so.....
"Because idiot its a defense mechanism. Its a way for you to cope with being you. "
So..what are you telling me to do?
"I'm telling you to stop to put yourself out there. To show who you are through words as you do with your writing."
"You have to."
"Because you owe it to yourself. Thats why."
How...when should I...
I have another question. How long are you going to be with me?
"The truth of the matter is that I have been with you all your life. The tiny voice in the back of your head screaming at you when you do something unlike your self. Or screaming at you when you do something when you do something at the influence of other people. I have always been there. But as for the question of how long I am going to be with you. Well, its all up to you.
"So..what are you going to do? How are you going to start?"
Now you are the one asking too many questions
"Oh shut up and get started."
Monday, June 26, 2006
I had so much fun on Sunday!
I woke up early to spend Jordan's birthday with him. I woke up to my alarm at 9 am, grumbled a lot and called then Jordan to see what was up to.
Jordan, his parents and I went to a resturant and had breakfast/lunchie mmm...
Then Jordan and I hung out at his house for a while until we went to pick up his friend Rachel and eat at Walker Bros. That was a lot of fun too. Also note that this is the first time I had EVER eaten at Walker Bros (yes I still live under a freakin rock :p) so I didn't know what to get but, out of pure insanity I decided to eat a German Pancake. I should have known something would be wrong from the way Jordan was sniggering at me and the fact that it takes twenty minutes to make the damn thing when they brought it out my mouth dropped open.
I realized when I started eating it that I could fit my whole head inside it. For those of you who don't know...
That is a German Pancake. I will never eat that thing unless I have been deprived of food for at least a week. But I was so proud of myself that I finished it. Yay! Though I felt kinda sick after a while.
Afterward, Jordan Rachel and I went to Gillson Park and hung out at the playground until we met up with Mark who is..Rachel's boyfriend? (errr they have a long complicated history so I don't ask!) and we walked to the beach.
The beach was so beautiful..the sky was so dark and the waves crashing into the shore. I wished Jamie was there so he could have seen it. He would have loved it.
But, afterward we walked back. Jordan, Rachel, and Mark were talking about camp stuff and I wasn't really listening and I was a bit tired. But, we walked back to our car and we said goodbye and Jordan and I headed home.
I had a lot of fun hanging out with Jordan on his birthday. It was a lot of fun and I wouldn't have spent the day with anyone else. :)
But now on a more sobering moment...
I found this on Yahoo news:
Rowling says 2 characters die in final Potter book
Haven't you killed off enough people in the series! I think Rowling is jerking us around and throughly enjoying it.
There is the linkie to the article if you are interested in reading it.
All I have to say about it is: Please let it be Snape and Voldemort! Or maybe that is wishful thinking.
But otherwise my life is good right now. I am still stuck at Jewel but I can live with it..for now at least. Though I had a really bitchy customer last week who was complaining about waiting and well lets just say I really wanted to drop kick her head/imagine her head on a pike.. but otherwise I am ok.
Jordan and I really need to get together and plan my party. But, for now I am going to go home, watch Samurai Champloo and maybe something else and get some much needed relaxing time down. I can't wait.
Oh and I really want to hang out with peoples. So anyone want to chillax with me that would be awesome. :)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
2:30PM - Stupid work..fuck you.
So..I've been working for three weeks and I hate my job. But then again doesn't everyone hate summer jobs in some way?
But I especially loathe my job with all my heart.
Don't get me wrong the people are nice and all, I realize from the start just like when I worked at Dominick's that I hate people. I hate the Deli and Jewel.
I hate how they sound cheerful when you sign on and how you sign your life away. From the union, to the Federal tax papers and the papers that state that Jewel is not responsible if you get hurt.
I hate staying late at night till 10 pm to clean up and still deal with stupid people who come in after 10:00 pm thinking the Deli is still open. when there is a sign that clearly states that the deli is closed everynight at 10:00 PM!
So..I'm saying fuck you Jewel.
Fuck you and your cult like mentality.
Fuck the people who come in at 9:55 pm asking for meat and cheese expecting me to be cheerful and happy when all I want to do is run around the counter and beat them.
Fuck you and your so called "customer service bullshit"
Fuck you all.
<dealing with anger issues>
I plan on quitting soon. Jordan's father company is offering an internship that I am thinking of taking up. The work sounds ok and the pay is good. It makes me wonder why I didn't take an internship in the beginning of the summer.
I also want to hang out with people as soon much as possible. I've been having a lot of fun chillin with Megs, Susan and Jordan. Especially Megs who visited me at work and scared the crap at me and so many happy memories at 7/11.
I really need to update this thing more.
Well, I have to go and deal with people till 10:00 tonight. Wish me luck.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
8:49PM - Hell Yeaz!
I know I should stop posting (stupid post whore tendancies) but this made me very happy.
|B||MTH052||ARITH OF FRACTIONS & DECIMALS||1.0|
|B||MTH051||ARITHMETIC OF WHOLE NUMBERS||1.0|
|W||SPA102||ELEMENTARY SPANISH II||4.0|
|A||SOC120||FAMILY IN CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY||3.0|
|A||PSY101||INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY||3.0|
Cumulative GPA: 4.0
hell yeaz...community college doesn't have anything on me.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Yesterday I woke up early, drove to Wheeling and peed in a cup for Jewel.
Afterward I picked up Jordan and we drove to Northwest Community Hospital.
We walked a mile around the hospital trying to figure out where to go in, arrived all breathless on the second floor, met Jamie's parents and waited.
I hated waiting. It was possibly the worst part of the whole day. Except for the hour I spent with Jamie in a tiny room before his surgery with his parents and Jordan, cracking jokes and waiting some more. I absolutely hated it.
I was glad to see Jamie for a bit before his jaw surgery but after we left to sit in a large room with people, watching everybody move in and out and waited some more.
I hate hospitals. I have only been in hospitals twice. First time, when I was born. I was a helpless crying bundle of confusion . The second time I was in high school and everything blurred together and into two distinct moments that whole day.
I remember my mother rushing home and rushing out and inbetween those times the words of "Your father's in the hospital" was the only thing I registered. I felt like I was sleepwalking when we visited him in the hospital later that night. My father caught pneumonia and he was sick for a week before it started spreading to his lungs and he was rushed to the hospital.
I don't know why I hated hospitals. But, the only thing I knew about hospitals the sterile, ugly smell that seemed like it was covering up something more that I hated the most.
Northwest Community Hospital wasn't that bad. But, I was relieved by the end of the day after all that waiting I saw Jamie and I realized he was going to be ok.
I am going to see him Wednesday and possibly the last time in weeks because I am going to be busy with work.
My work schedule looks like this for now:
1/4 Price Book and Media Training:
Saturday: 9:30-1:00 pm
Afterward I will scream to the sky NO MORE TRAINING!!
But I told my boss at 1/4 Price Book and Media that It would be better for me to work mornings and afternoons. I have a feeling that if my schedule stays this way then I will work till 4 pm at bookstore job and rush to Jewel who needs me at 4 pm (or 6 pm) till 10 pm at night. Repeat
Wish me luck.
Friday, May 12, 2006
I have a job interview today.
Don't be nervous, don't be nervous. Butterflies go away!
Oh and I got a speeding ticket yesterday. I was going a lovely 40 mph on a 25 and an unmarked police car caught me.
It was kind of funny cause when I was waiting for the police to talk to me I was thinking of a church sermon that I went to one Sunday. The pastor was talking about how we don't pray enough and when we do we only do so on rare occasions. Like when you get pulled over by the police you make a quick prayer. I thought of how true that was.
I did a quick prayer too.
Oh and I'm going to this award's banquet tonight at Harper with Jordan as his date. Should be fun.
This summer should definitely be interesting.
I'm still on the job hunt.
Jordan and I are planning my I'm-turning-21-years-old-lets-go-insane party.
But, we still don't know what to do for entertainment. Alcohol will be provided(no parents are invited bwahahaha!) We calculated that the party will cost over a $1,000 for everything.
I'm still nervous.
Wish me luck on the interview.
I will update later!
Friday, April 21, 2006
1:34PM - Man: 1 Bank:0
So..last night I drove to Harper to see a guy named Patrick Combs. Patrick Combs told an audience about how he got a junk check for $95,093.35 for a get-rich quick scheme. The only catch was written on the check was Non-Negotiable in the left hand corner of the check. But he decided to play a prank on his bank, First Interstate Bank of California and he decides to deposits into an ATM.
The ATM cashed in the junk check. Patrick told the story of how things went down from there. The bank wanted their money back. The show was amazing and I was laughing all the whole way through.
If you want to read the whole thing..there it is. Since I can't describe the awesomeness of Patrick Comb's show..read it for yourself. DO IT! :)
I promised myself I would get off my lazy butt and look for a job today so thats what I'm doing this afternoon. Wish me luck!
Jordan is off to Michigan for the weekend but thats ok since I will hopefully see him Sunday when he gets back. Homework, studying for a test and running my ass off yay!
I still miss Jamie. But I will see him soonish. I still love him. What scares me more is that we talked alot about our future. What we will do together two to three years from now. I don't know why the certainty of it scares the hell out me. Or maybe it is not the certainty anymore. Or being scared.
It is the fact that I can see the future for the both of us is stretching before us. How much we have gone through and how much we still have to go. Is there a word in the English language for that?
I really should stop babbling and get on with my life. I promised myself..two hours ago I would go home and start applying for jobs.
but now I am a collector of random quotes...
"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words." -From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of (National Review)
I hope you all are well. I will write later. I have a test a Sociology test on Monday wish me luck studying for it!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
10:20AM - Random Cubed!
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST
so...reply people...do it you know you want to.
Oh and I'm going over to Jordan's house for Passover. Should be lotz of fun. I am becoming more Jewish already I can feel it. yay!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
9:01AM - Rest In Peace
Although I didn't know you very well cept for one year in choir. I still thought you were funny. Always finding new ways to piss off Mr Heck.
I just found this out yesterday but, Jeff Melton was a boy who went to Hersey and he was I think a grade or two younger then me but, I didn't know him too well. He was kicked out of choir because he and two other boys were found drinking. At Turnabout last Saturday either before or after the dance he overdosed on Heroin and was taken to the hospital. He was released because he seemed to be better and then while at home, he overdosed on heroin again nd died.
I didn't know him very well but I still thought he seemed pretty cool. It just came as a shock to me since I couldn't believe something like this could happen.
Its kinda hard for me to transition from gloomy news to other happenings of my life..but here goes anyway.
I argued with my mom over curfew and breaking promises. Which lead to bitchiness and being ignored by my mom for three days. I love my how my parents handle the situation. :p
Now my curfew is 11:30 pm.
Yes I am twenty years old. (*gasp* what?!)
And that is stupidly early.
I wonder if I can keep that damn curfew. We shall see.
I saw Jamie last Saturday. I had a great time hanging out with Jamie, Nick and Joe. (though listening to Joe's dead baby jokes in a Russian accent scared me. o.o)
Realizing that I still love Jamie after a year and half of dating makes me very happy inside. There has been less and less fighting for the two of us and more closeness and intimacy. I love being with him and I can't stop smiling whenever we are together. But, enough of the mushy stuff...
Jamie showed this to me and It made me laugh...
I cut it cause the image is too damn big.
Geeky Galore: Sexual furries... *shudders*
Rainbow Parties: A rainbow party is a gathering in which the male participants engage in acts of oral gratification with same or different sex partners. The person giving the oral gratification must wear a certain color lipstick of the rainbow (ROY G BIV). By the end of the night, the males' goal is to leave the party with rainbow decorated gentalia.
Oh the things you learn in Sociology class.... o.o
and this is for all those Azumanga Daioh/Osaka Fans...Jamie found a video on Osaka and he showed it to me and its pretty good.
Waka Laka For Osaka:
and on that note...I g2g to math class. Update lata.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
1:49PM - Yay Books!
I'm so excited about..books. hzah!
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote (inspired by the movie Capote)
The Oath by Frank Peretti (thankie Brad for recommending)
The 38 Strategies of War by Robert Greene.
The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene.
American Gods by Neil Gaiman
The World is Flat: A brief history of the twenty-first century by Thomas L Friedman.
yea I'm a dork. If there are any other books I should be reading or you recommend. throw them my way. yay for books!
yay yay yay!
-end of pointless lj entry-
Friday, February 10, 2006
You know that saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place?"
cliff. rock and then me.
Yep..thats me smushed under a rock..last time I use Microsoft Paint to draw how I feel but I did have fun coloring in the blood.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
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